It's true - he'll seduce me again the instant I'm within range of his auric field - the boi has a 2nd chakra like a bleeding tractor beam, no joke! It's honestly scary - considering my marriage of twelve years was literally on the line after a mere six months of intimate associations with my new "other significant other" - that's right, we're polyamorous pagans, and no, I am not going to explain or just-if-I that orientation for y'all here - consider the pros and cons of said relationship style to be your "homework" from good ole FS...

At the moment, my single most significant prophecy to date - that I would "come into my own" sometime about my 36th year, has been coming to pass as predicted, more or less - it's still early days and indeed I've been taken by surprise consistently in the manner of my fulfillment so far...Perhaps the novelty will dwindle as my "new life" becomes old news, but on the other hand, I feel a swell in the Timewave approaching right about YESTERDAY...!

That said, emotionally I am still very much inclined to lay everything on the line for this honey-chile, even after he's burned me repeatedly. I don't mean in any vulgar nasty B-movie stereotypical hustlerboi way, that's just the tip of the iceberg - and again, if you think I'm complaining, you're really missing my drift entirely - I am learning voraciously  from a vast expanse of untapped new wisdom, this guru of Fast Lane Living who's barely 5/9ths my age. It has been worth every penny spent, and every drop of blood, sweat, and tears spilled, in the bargain - and I am still at the table, with my wallet, chequebook and work-clothes on the ready....

Now, there is a bit of a change, however. The possibility my young lord is guilt-tripping himself about the hint of a taint of "player" that remains in his dealings with me. Typically he wears his heart on his sleeve as far as his inner soul-self's true views about the significance of our togetherness - that is, he shares from the hip and in a pretty (yet sometimes somehow) brutal way, his total tender devotion and inconceivable commitment to the impossible possibilities of our togetherness, every time we are together, and almost all the time we're alone. My heart aches just reflecting on this fact now, as I sit typing this on his mom's computer. I will have no truck with him just-if-I'ing any further self-abuse on the basis of "feeling bad" about having stolen my change, or lied to me about his intentions, or done who-knows-what other piddly insignificant transgression of our sacred bond.

What does it mean though, "true feeling(s)"? Simply, I'd say, those that CAN'T be faked...Sociopaths, it seems (or so I'm told) are awfully good at faking just about every "decent" human feeling (which at the same time they're entirely incapable of feeling for themselves)...and there's a bit of Sociopath in each and every one of us, I reckon...! Sure, he's truly self-centred and devil-may-care in his approach to the world and relationships in general, this is as consistently evident, even more so I suppose - though it's harder for me to say, since the "contrasting/contrary feeling" under consideration is that which arises in my physical presence. There are those moments, I can't say how many, when I sleep while he's awake, when I'm busy at some mundane task or wrapped up in negotiations with my spouse and he's left to do much as he likes in all the rest of the house which isn't currently occupied by the two other, older faes who own it.

I'm expected "down the hill" at a couple places, I'm running late, and then well there's tomorrow, and another commitment or two which remain reasonably vague to me but will no doubt decend with a vengeance when there time is nigh...What's the last word, then, on my predicament? The last word is from my very much beloved "Uncle" Al Crowley, in his mnemonic poem for the Tarot Trump "The Lovers (or 'The Brothers')":

The Oracle of the Mighty Gods is the Child Voice of Love

               in Thine own Soul - Hear Thou IT!

Heed not the Phantom Voice of Reason,

               nor the Siren Voice of Sense,

but rest in Simplicity, and listen to

               the SILENCE.

posted by ShadiElf at 23:10 | link | comments
, thine own soul - hear thou it

As a semi-retired sex worker, who started out pretty much as naively as most (though less desparately than many), I've experienced everything from a spiritual  bonding with "clients" during sexual interactions of a "one-off," first and only, mainly economically driven encounter, to feeling like a piece of meat thoroughly cheapened by being put through the motions of the client's "toy boy" fantasy(s)...

Currently "seeing" a sort of semi-in-denial sex worker, and being tighter w/said lover than ever, I feel the residue of economically driven intimacy in his aura, despite his reluctance to be blunt about what's been going on w/him this eve.

I have only respect and admiration  for this person, no matter what they feel inclined to do to "prove their worth," either by having a few extra dollars in pocket, and/or appreciation of other sorts for their beauty and prowess in the arena of sexual intercourse.

Still, I have the same old jealous feelings as most everybody, and especially when I am left out of the details. In fact it's a pretty crucial factor in our communications.

I am optimistic, considering the great leaps of honesty and intimacy having taken place in our communication of late, that this may change in such a way, and in a short enough span, to be bearable, when I am so in love and wrapped up in him.

We'll see. For now, I am releasing with this entry, and looking forward to more closeness and communication with the lovely boy in question.

posted by ShadiElf at 00:51 | link | comments (1)

FREE ('N') EASY LOVE MAGIC

(...may well be the only kind...)

-being an account of an actual spell-casting experiment-

(initiated Beltaine '06 e.v.)

...herein, completely fulfilling my obligation to the Great Archangels - Raphael, Michael & Gabriel - cheers, Mates!  :-) - I publish (content, procedure and results thus far) the experience had by this (tip of the pinky fingernail of the) One (and Only Being) three (3 - T) days ago, in the city formerly called Terminal, the urban jewel of Canada's PNW and my home many of my years sojourning this sad rock..which reminds me, incidentally, before we get going much further:

HEKAS, HEKAS, ESTE BABELOI!

 of conducting the Easy Love Spell (see http://www.spellsnow.com/easylovespell.htm and various other such sites) performed by the unrivaled and unprecedented Heirodule of Nu & Most Benevolent King of the Sylphs, OMNIPHANES II, sometimes (formerly)called Aneuon "SwordTongue" / ShadiElf  - living Avatar of trickiest ORPHEUS.

As the One charged with reigniting the School bearing his supremely beloved Deity's name, the ORPHIC MYSTERIES it no doubt behooves me magickally to add, most earnestly:

CHAOS - GAIA - EROS - ARISE!

(borrowed gratefully from Brother Ralph Abraham's book - thanks Ralph - Chaos Gaia Eros:  adequate to inform the properly prepped larval human primate brain on the nature of Realities to unique effect, & available at better librarys and anywhere you find it calling you...

LIFE IS AS (IMPOSSIBLE AS) YOU DREAM IT...

Having stuffed my unimpeachable divine pedigree down your cyber-gullets, oh great audience - few and secret tho' you be (most righteously, in the way of Thy Father at Midnight, Kepher) - I best get on with this report before the angelic stopwatch stops ticking and my grand prize goes down the celestial toilet to the great grey water system in the spiritual sky, as it were (as if - knock on woodlike nothing!)...

As instructed, around 5 pm PST on the day of May First (Mayday/Beltaine), I placed 3 candles in the highest place you have at the hotel I'm presently holed up at w/my legion of imaginary friends and incompetent enemies, inside a plate with sugar all around the candles. Light the candles. Ask the arch-angels ST.RAFAEL , ST.MICHAEL and ST.GABRIEL for three wishes - one wish for business, one wish for love and an impossible wish.

Publish this spell [as, you priveledged viewers presently see, I've now done here on FutureSex] on the third day ( after you requested the wishes [I'm considering "days" as 24 hour periods, for a variety of reasons -I'll belabour you with not a one as I won y'see - so, well what would it matter if you agreed? Evidently Mike, Raffi and Gabe are all on board so off I go, sea of joy, seeya) and see what happens on the fourth day...

I am very much lookin forward to the fourth day...it's nearly here and yet, before it broke, I had the most unbelievable and unexpected boost to my cred ever, being the winner of a much coveted international prize for achievements in the field I frequently apply my meagre talents to...as well as having substantial indication that wish #2 also is in the process of being fulfilled, and so it seems my impossible dream is going to be born tomorrow.

Nite nite!

posted by ShadiElf at 02:04 | link | comments

Ohhhh I'm all shaky now - I guess I've had too much vodka and too little food. I always thought Ceasars were food! Oh well - I'm waiting for K to do a few dishes and then I can get the stuffed sole and "Sidekicks" goin' on (a bit of steamed asparagus and/or other stuff on the side as well - like, almost a real meal, or even better! I am so famished!).

I've been just sooo super self-confident and on top of the world for the past few days. I am just totally grooving on life! The other night I started singing Janis Joplin's "Turtle Blues" (Google it yourselves you lazy good-for-who-knows-whats, I'm not going to make it easy for you this time - since no one ever even bothers to congradulate me on my efforts to educate the general populace, or the small percentage therof that might somehow happen upon this 'blog, about the more important if generally overlooked and/or under-rated things in life - like SALVIA DIVINORUM) and I was suddenly overcome by this incredible sense of omnipotence, and it was as tho' Janis herself were with me, and I really understood all of her suffering (you know she admitted to blowing her entire highschool football team on once, something like that - I grew up listening to Janis, and went to a one-woman show about her in the Capital of our fine country once in my teens, when I was an evengelical neo-hippie - whereas now I'm an evangelical neo-spermatognostic, dig me, Matt Bugsby?)...

I can't really describe this sort of neo-Gnostic revelation in any way that will do it justice. It's just that, saints and sinners aren't so far apart, and, well - once in awhile you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places (if you look at it right) - as some pals of Janis quip in a certain famous song (which some say even make reference to the dear girl under the moniker of "Sweet Jane" - y'know what I'm sayin'?). Actually I am mixing a couple songs but hey, you were at that show too, weren't you...? Any  head will be able to name to tunes I'm refering to, in any case - the rest of you I'm sure could care less...!

Well, now that "I know this God-dam life [so] well," after the fashion of my "horny turtle" sister Janis, I feel duly relieved of all this emotional foo-faa which as recently been obsessing me. As for my ability to have a good time, well that I am fully confident of - in fact, I'm fairly certain that's the very task Nature had in mind for me when she designed me! So, woah woah and seven times woah to the boy who declines my sincere devotion and love and all that comes along with, they no not what they pass up - even if the trials are mighty and immediate! They are nothing beside the bliss that awaits...when you get a taste of my honey chees cake... it's to die for!

I soon plan to be offering weekend getaways in the Palm Tree Garden of the Gnostic Paradise, one hundred percent guaranteed to surpass any previous benchmark of pleasure you've previously maintained. I mean, I personally managed to do it all the time - almost without trying! Virtually every time I set foot out the door I'm having another "mind-blowing God experience" as my good brother and superlative teacher Dr. Tim Leary (PBUH) put in in his 1969 campaign against Ronny Ray-gun for Governor of Kkkalifornia in 1969 (I believe "off the pigs" was part of Tim's campaign slogan at the time - which might have hampered his chances with certain conservative factions).

But anyway, our society sets the standard of pleasure so low that even if you have a nice Medicare package and a good drug dealer it is hard not to become either truly bored, wired and/or severely messed up in virtually no time, without even getting a clear idea of what "real happiness" might smell like - let alone bliss (assuming for a moment there is such a thing)!

Personally, as a Hedonic 5th Circuit Tantrik Link-Up Wizard extrordinaire (or "sex on legs" as some have put it....), I find this state of things deplorable. And don't think I mean we should all be barebacking at bus-stops like bonobo's in Will Self's seminal and unsurpassed post-modern masterpiece on the human condition, _Great Apes_ - that might be fun for a week or two, but inevitably I would start to crave the Agape and Bodhicitta that only a fully-developed 8-Circuit brain with everyting up and running can really provide - and only such a clear aim can even allow a sensible glimpse of.

Yes of course, you  bet I'm serious. Pleasure isn't only fun - it's attainable and LEGAL, TOO! And all it takes is learning how to USE YOUR BRAIN!! What a novel concept! Hardly...I mean, not really. I mean, I am only a robot sent by the New Age Conspiracty to Increase Intelligence on Earth and Elsewhere by plugging such memes as "Just Say NO, THANK-YOU to Death & Stupidity - Be Polite!" and other such totally unoriginal yet pithy and unavoidably humourous, not to mention contentious, slogans.

Well now my stomach demands I do something about dinner - sounds like the dishes are ready to cooperate as well - hooray!

Let's just all pray that the bleeding neo-Cons didn't get into office - or was their anyone else running...? Didn't notice, actually - I voted Marxist - Leninist (as in Groucho and John of course!).

Ohh I really really have to go worship Shiva now - some time sooner than you even like you'll hear more of this undeniable truth babble from me in your own head, intermediated by some blips on a screen somewhere - but really I'm RIGHT HERE, NOW!

posted by ShadiElf at 19:43 | link | comments

Wow, my life is just sooooooo weird - in the best sense of the word!

I bought myself a small, polished sphere of a semi-precious stone called Unakite - a pink-and-red coloured form of granite, with the power to increase acceptance and clarity of emotional matters "of the heart". Sometimes this simple kind of sympathetic magick (talisman) works amazingly well for me...Like the time I bought a Solomonic talisman at the market in NYC, meant to guarantee success in "chancey" ventures and business in general, and my business that trip worked out "like a charm"...But that's another story!

This bit of rock, in a lovely silver sterling setting shaped like a serpent wrapped around the sphere (reminiscent of the Uraeus worn as headgear by Egyptian royalty - see http://touregypt.net/Uraeus.htm for a brief blurb on this symbol), I'd had set aside before Xmas in the hopes my husband might have a chance to stop at Artistic Arts and Crafts before season's end and buy it for me (along with a string of irregular glass beads of different colours, in a very interesting metal-linked chain). Unfortately the one time we were in the neighbourhood w/the car, they were closed.

I bought this for myself a week ago Friday (the 13th of January '06), and spent several hours over the course of that day, and the next couple as well, writing and contemplating on the issue of my extra-marital relations w/my darling LJ. After his vanishing act last fall, I was very upset for many weeks. Thankfully I'd joined my peer support program just beforehand, and also began receiving spiritual healing from a member of the Self Realization Fellowship (see http://www.yogananda-srf.org/index.html ), whose competence as an energy worker pretty much exceeds most everyone I've seen in such a capacity.

Last week my healer's belief system (basically the usual "monogamy is the only sustainable way to govern emotionally fidelous relationships, i.e. w/ a spouse"- this same healer is also treating my husband) intruded a tad in our session, provoking me to write and indicate that this sort of personal orientation is inappropriate for a person fulfilling a capacity such as spiritual healer to insert into a healing session, IMO, and I'd need to discontinue the work if such beliefs were to continue to be foisted upon me in such a manner.

Thankfully he received and responded to my message in a timely and appropriate manner, displaying the humility which makes up a major element of an effective healer's demeanour, in my experience.

Anyhow, the outcome of my recent reflections, as I've found often is how it works out in this relationship, allowed the psychic space for LJ to act on his personal wishes to renew contact with me. Before I was out of bed on Saturday, he'd phoned to say he was heading over to the Sunshine Coast for a visit...He spent that night at a mutual acquaintance's, who'd been planning a party that weekend for some time and was trying to entice Leif over to attend (which apparently had slipped his mind by the time he'd decided to make the trip), and dropped by the next afternoon, staying with us until today, when I had to head into town for a volunteer orientation for the new peer outreach project kicking off in the local gay men's community (the project is called GaMMa - I can't currently find anything specifically about it online but look back here soon and I'll be sure to post the URL asap).

The relationship between LJ and I is currently "platonic"- although this word seems typically to imply non-sexual, in the average parlance, it is actually only meant to indicate a relationship which transcends sexual desire.  The satisfaction I derive from having LJ in my life is far beyond the few orgasms we've actually shared - even the ones induced by myself in solo fantasy shower experiences, prior to our ever getting acquainted "in the flesh" this way. Transcending doesn't mean excluding. For my husband's peace of mind, presently, I'm not seeking to get into bed w/LJ straight away. However, we need to arrive at an understanding among the three of us that can allow for such possibilities w/o everyone having to be in a perpetual state of anxiety or uncertainty about the others' priorities....

Well I've got to run to my orientation now. Catch y'all a little later on....MWOOOAH - kisses!

posted by ShadiElf at 14:09 | link | comments